Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Then Smaug is Draco's Evil Uncle?

The dragon did not have his day.. and I am ever wondering why they did not read the book. It was a SHORT one.
The decision to see the second part of the Hobbit (guh) trilogy was random. I was out with My Human on a little adventure to see dance and theatre at CEART in Tijuana. When we had had enough of salsa, we walked back to the taxis and stopped in at the shopping mall. We were just in time to see the 3D subtitled version of the Desolation of Smaug (The desolation happened in the last movie. WTQ, people). We followed our whim an bought tickets - less than $10 for 2 tickets for a 3D movie. (You 1st Worlders can all be jealous now!)
I was not impressed the with 3D. 
I was not impressed with many of the changes that the film team chose. They appeared nervous about straying away from the book. They can't even make up new dialogue so many, many of the scenes were awkward / stiff for no reason. To me, they have rehashed Tolkien's stuff ad nauseam that I am becoming convinced all the characters have a cache of about 1,000 vocabulary words from which to speak... pst. This is not the video game you suckos.
I am yipping about this and I did not even catch all the dialogue as the Middle Earth languages became floaty Spanish text before my double layer of glasses.
I was sorely disappointed by Boern- I love that character and no justice was done in bringing him out of letters... I was able to give myself a great, big giggle about the 3D BEEES < please click that link. It is the Arkenstone of the Interwebz. You will have a laugh too, if your brain works at all like mine.
Tauriel did not piss me off. (Shall I state that again?) I know she was a character Frankenstein's monster-ed out of the fancies of female fans, but she did not irritate me. She was just one of the guys. One of the many who were not supposed to be there- like Legolas. He was not supposed to be there, but he shone very brightly. He was fierce. Less house cat more feral. He did not disappoint. His action sequences were highlights. What did bug me about Tauriel was that she was trapped in the awkwardness of the writers. In that vein: I think I was catching the vibe of all the teen boys in the audience because I felt that the scene where Tauriel uses her elf magic to heal her dwarf love interest (yeah, that kind of straying from the book) was the 'sex scene' of the movie...  It was all in the camera angles they chose and the TERRIBLE dialogue.. Sorry, if I ruined it for anybody... 
Thranduil's screen presence surprised me in a good way also... hm maybe I was just happy to be in the company of elves again... Gosh, is my racism showing? ...Not being able to see the elves partying in the wood was a disappointment. I liked that sequence in the book.
The spiders get a hell yes! That was fun. It reminded me that my house was/is Mirkwood albeit in miniature. We we overrun with brown widows during the fall.
The Lakemen- I don't know what to make of them... Stephen Fry was a hoot.
And then Smaug the Magnificent.
Because Smaug.
The choice of editing killed the tension that should have kept you completely breathless and not just giddy for seeing that Famousest of Wyrms up close. He is supposed to be able to crush you psychologically and physically and I was missing that dual whammy. So, with that voice brought to you by a UK citizen (need I even mention his name?), it was like hanging out with Sean Connery as a dragon (Dragonheart 1996) though you still did have to be on your toes with Smaug. Draco would only chew in self defense. I was in awe when a very cheesed Smaug flew out all newly dipped in gold. They made that a gorgeous moment...
All in all, it was a fun escape. So I guess the movie did it's job then. I just wish they would have move bravery in their straying away from the book and spare me the dry awkward moments.
When we got out of the theater, we faced our own adventure wandering the streets around the 5 y 10 in La Mesa after midnight, looking for the right taxi to get us back to the safety of the tourist lanes. 
I grumbled all the way back to my bed.