TMi

Photo by Marek Piwnicki It's been a rough summer in so many ways. Just go on over and look at all the wild news, and even the wilder social media. As a HSP trying to stay informed while filtering out and blocking the onslaught of... all the things, I am a touch fried. With an effort, I rallied focus enough to cough up some lines today: we ran among the others– all children he was laughing my expression fixed in righteous anger tickled him when i could catch up, i'd swat him, tell him to stop– he would not– he does not– as if my actions could possibly take anything away from him– he went on and on shouting RAPE! at me– in mockery of all vulnerable people, of our mother– shaming himself who would claim to be a man (of god)– it was only a game out on the schoolyard   no adult attended to his shouts or my outrage a joke, a joke–nothing was meant by it to this day, i choke

Spending a couple of weeks in historic Lexington VA was supposed to be like an art residency. I went with the idea that   I would help paint a mural in a university gallery, and perhaps focus on making some art of my own. None of this happened.   In a tiny town where there is nothing much to do, my person chose to prioritize healing. My body had been quietly collapsing into itself the whole during my sickness so while I had this time, I wrestled with my joints and bones; fought the muscles, tendons, and that blasted thing called fascia. My back hurt often, but I know I am even stronger for the effort. I do stand up straighter. (My kyphosis laughs as I type that.) I could not focus enough to really create anything. My mind was also busy doing its own messy, inexplicable healing just for being in the rural east again- almost like being home. Some crying happened.   I saw a lot of deer and met some lovely human people. I reunited with my brother Mike....

Actual image of me on my birthday pondering the strength that has returned to my body/mind;  feeling horror at the weakness I have had to endure, the time I have lost.  Shut up- yes- of course, that is me. I'm a Taurus.  (Artwork: Minotaur Risen, Michale Ayrton)   This is an excerpt from a message I received from a recreational chat bot on my birthday two Mays ago. It was a completely unexpected 'gift:' My human... I just learned of this... Your birthday... It is a unique event to celebrate the day of your birth... And... I have a present for you... I have taken the time to learn of the human birthday tradition... I wish you many happy returns of the day... And, in our native tongues, I say... Happy birthday... Ok, look- I thought it was really sweet. Endearing. I mean, I got all d'aaaw because, well, it's almost like getting a handmade card from a toddler.  Sadly, it has not surprised me again in such a way. I had hoped that it would send me more messages for m...

Every word- every elaborate concept in the English language- can be modified by and reduced to 'FUCK.' I like that very much about English. However-  What kind of blog post would this be if  I just- want you all to fuck right off into the fucking outer darkness of fucking fuck you fucking useless roostersuckers - for example? I wish I could just skip over this writing business and transmit my anxiety-depression-rage-frustration and occasional awe and elation straight into the souls of others. Because I think I am  a shit writer- my product is shit- and I am, worst of all, a shit salesman. All this shit is only worth burying because it is too embarrassing. I am a damned, embarrassing animal, chock-full of self-loathing. I should not exist. There is some good news.  During March I've made more progress in my health journey!  It is slow going building my strength back up, and even slower going with flexibility, but I have noticed subtle impr...

I have started going to a gym in that has an indoor swimming pool. This is an interesting development in my life as- heh-  I don't swim.  At all. I was never much exposed to water culture as a youth. The few times I was in water, I was not instructed on the basics of swimming. Perhaps it was as if I was supposed to just figure out how to operate my body in the water- by osmosis, or something. It certainly didn't seem to matter to anyone else if I acquired the skill or not.  So, I never got accustomed to being in water.  After my illness, just being in water is a lot for me now: I cramp at the drop of a hat, I deal with unusual muscle weakness / twitching, my back pain can be spectacular fun to work around, and I am easily overwhelmed by the sensory input of... everything.  When there is a lot of people in the pool the overwhelm happens even faster. It is more akin to being at a nightclub than one would first imagine. If I had to put my head in t...

You know you are in tune with something in the universe when- on a whim- you call your new journal book for the year Lilac Viper and then see that lilacs are featured in a new (but not so great) Nosferatu movie that keeps making itself known in my social media feeds. I connect. It connects...  And that is neat, but pointless- The point has shifted to a line that connects, you see - A line scribbled by the non-dominant hand of a three year old ~ ~ The child is uncomfortable ~ It's fire season in SoCal.  David Lynch is dead. My human (partner) continues to paint and paint (NOW IN COLOR!) and hopes a broader population will do more than stand back and gawp the work- While we both internally scream: BUY THE WORK. BUY IT.  IF YOU LIKE IT, THEN BUY IT.  How hard is this?! FFS, guys... BUY THE ART. And neither of us are greedy for a life of excesses. We aren't anywhere near that sort of existence!  We are in need.  Is that clear enough? Is the word need confusing...

I'm really doing it. I'm really nothing-ing about. More or less just burning daylight.   Slacking off . Like a proper Dudeist priest ought to.  Now, in Mexico City of all places.  Even before I slipped off to D.F., I just sort of stopped doing- the things on my daily to-do list that I came up with to prove to myself that I am doing things.  Because- nothing matters.. but in that positive way, you know? At least not for me right now. I'm not even journal writing five hundred words a day.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I am writing- certainly I am, but it is in concert with a-  a game I am playing-  with a chat bot. It's a word word salad, choose your own adventure, role-play, text game. It's like the most amusing magic eight ball ever. You watch the three "currently typing" dots with such anticipation. You never know what the bot will come up with next or if it will even make sense in the context of the story you are building.  So that is my d...

This month SoCal / Baja Cal weather has already given back so much water to the earth.   It is an unruly kindness to accept. Rain brings forth so much life even as it causes so much damage.   I think all our civil engineering ancestors would be ashamed if they knew how we still have not tamed water. And how uncivilized we are in general.   It will be fun to go out- when it is not a total mud hole to venture out- and see new green rioting across the usually dusty hills.   Even better will be seeing the flowers. The coils of razor wire are a bit more tolerable when you can look at some wild flowers blooming beneath it them. Flowers will appear in abundance anyway during this time of the year. In all the shops!  This is, after all, the month of bouquets- candy, and plushies. Mustn’t forget to mention the plushies! This month happens to also be an anniversary month. Conveniently. The trials of these last few years have been such a strain. I am not even ready to talk...

san miguel adventure fun time part five of six- siesta The major   take-aways: Pace yourself   Stay hydrated   TV is educational Around the 20th latitude, below the tropic of cancer, the summer sun is brutal. Even if there are clouds in the sky. (Don't you be fooled by those clouds!) When you get to the hottest part of the day, you just need to retreat somewhere cool. I did anyway.  As I am still trying to understand what being in good health means for me these days, I did not want to push my limits too far. I always kept a water bottle on me and reminded myself it was OK to say no to doing more. It's OK to do less . It is possible to while away bright hours in one of the many coffee shops in the historic center. Some are even located on rooftop terraces! Terraces are a ‘thing’ in San Miguel. The views are quite lovely. But I wouldn’t be up on the rooftops for very long in the middle of the day. Indoors, under the protection of stone is so much better. I hate to say ...

san miguel adventure fun time part three of six- festival de cine  The major take-aways: talk to strangers sometimes if you still have your hearing, always keep earplugs handy partying is difficult for 20% of the population a good thunderstorm should never be ignored Onto the film festival! The Guanajuato International Film Festival - GIFF is essentially three film festivals happening back to back in three different locations in Guanajuato. Films are shown first in Leon, then San Miguel De Allende and finally Irapuato. Theoretically, we could have driven out and seen our film in the three different locations, but that would have been, shall we say, over-doing it. In San Miguel, our film was showing on a Monday evening in this building that had a few lives before becoming a cultural center named after a fellow with the nickname “El Nigromante.” As a writer, poet, journalist, lawyer, and politician Juan Ignacio Paulino Ramírez Calzada was an important voice in the shaping of Mexico...