TMi

Photo by RDNE Stock project When I got sick with Brucellosis et al , I did a bunch of tests to show that it was indeed bacterial infections screwing me over. Doctors needed all the proofsss. And even then, some of them- (assholes!)- shrugged at the fact that my spleen was enlarged, and I did have some kidney damage. Those things mean nothing; obviously. The tests also showed that I had a fibroid in my uterus.  Good to know, but that wasn't the current issue I was trying to deal with. Or was it? I go on and on with feeling ok and then then terrible- almost up and then way back down again; with no real follow up care because I don't have like a primary care doctor or a cohesive team of specialists looking out for my health and well-being. I'm just fucking winging it- during a pandemic- as you do in third world settings.  So I had to be the one to get blood work on my own and figure out for myself that I'm anemic. Often.  And then I start feeling this pressure and pain in ...

Thoughts about my birthday have barely come to mind this year. I used to be such a Taurus desiring to celebrate the whole month of May. Celebrate all the lovely Taureans; celebrate May Day; celebrate Beltane; celebrate Star Wars Day; celebrate moms; celebrate Lemuralia, birds, turtles, goths, geeks, composting, limericks, irises, archery, decency, paper airplanes, road trips, paperclips, freedom of the press, coal miners- all the workers, laughing and smiling, tuna, technology, biological diversity... But now? The dark is winning.  Thanks everyone. 

Just when you think you are getting better- ANEMIA! When you've had multiple bacterial strains dipping into your iron stores and you keep on bleeding out every month, it becomes difficult to keep iron-ated.. ferrated... ferreted... ferrets?  Yeah, I've been taking supplements, but, well, taking them unsupervised by a medical professional- and not really knowing if the root cause of the iron deficiency is bacterial or something else. I suspect things, but I don't know the things.  It kills me to have to have blood taken to prove iron deficiency. I get the test results back and I'm like, 'Look at these numbers! I needed that blood! Now I have less! Thanks so much.' What also kills me is that I think I have been sabotaging myself by taking a fiber supplement. Fiber can interfere with iron absorption. I didn't know that before. I've needed to take fiber because of IBS. One problem's solution is setting off another problem.  With my headaches and terri...

The new year is a Water Rabbit.  In an odd way I am kind of creatively charged up these days and looking forward to new things.  I don't know where this positive energy is coming from, but I will take it! I feel more recovered than this time last year. I think I just have a sinus infection this time. Not Covid+. That's a step up.  So, I didn't write about attending the Portrait of a Nation Gala in November 2022.  That was a thing I did amid everything else I have been dealing with and- I've been grappling with how to express myself about that event. The whole thing was unbelievably difficult to get through for me.   People kept using the word surreal. Surreal I have done. Surreal is my bread and butter. This was-  It was a full-on crisis. I could barely regulate my emotions. I felt so much. A lot of it was rage. What place does rage have at a celebration? Where could I safely put that? How I could ignore the feeling that everyone in that room- everyone...

It's the time of year to do it, but looking back is so, so difficult for me.  I don't want to reread my blog entries or my e-journal. It hurts me to see how my life has gone. My life is just going away from me...  Along with my e-journaling, I keep a physical day planner. An object in the real world I use to prove to / remind myself that I do things during the course of a day and that I am not just this lump that is taking up space- except I am this lump that is taking up space- So anyway, I have this day planner i can flip through; if I can endure it: very early in the year I was already wondering why I bothered keeping an account when every day is so much the same small potatoes as every day my eyes skitter over the dubious penmanship that improves or degrades depending on how I am doing physically and emotionally FML repeats on many pages I recorded numerous nights when I did not sleep well enough to function I listed the many days when I took antibiotics I ...

things about me, literally feathers bullet casings bones books charms rocks gems herbs oils dolls figurines keys locks twine coins am i witchy then am i queer then am i unseely then am i clemfellow then or what or what what place do i have   which one of your boxes am i put into a nd then dismissed

blurred image of author signing books. original photo by: Cat I met a famous writer once in New York. It was at a book reading. When the event was coming to a close, I was cajoled into the 'meet and greet' line. I didn't want to queue up. That wasn't how I wanted to meet this writer. Standing in line, I was not a person. In that position I was a fanatic ; with a slight pejorative feeling to the word. It's an itchy label to wear sometimes.  One more person to make the line longer, I was part of the fan gauntlet. This is not a fair kind of meeting. For either party. At the time he had a finger injury; a break, I believe. I do clearly recall that he made a point to tell everyone not to shake his hand. For the obvious splinted reason. Feeling like a complete fool jacked up on the usual influences: caffeine, cortisol mostly; I waited for my turn to meet this renowned individual. Ugh. Be still my conflicted thoughts and feelings. When my time came to stand before the man ...