TMi

Image Source:  Engin Akyurt  from  Pexels . Edited by tm Looking at the rest of the year now and everything is tinged with dread- Dread, the other weighted blanket!  I am not looking forward to anything any more this year. I am not excited about events coming up in my life.  I am not happy about any of the trips I will be taking.  I am not being creative.   There is no creativity here.   There is no talent here.   There is nothing here. I am not thrilled about turning forty.  What have I lived this long for?  My anxiety/depression is getting worse. My PMDD is getting worse.  I want to be dead.  Death will come soon enough. A little more on the topic of dread; manly, geeky Hollywood style  I've tried so hard. I don't know why I am trying any more.  Please tell me how I have made a positive impact in your life because I'm pretty sure I'm a ghost. I don't think I have had any major impact on anything....

Battery Park I walked around Manhattan during September. It's true. It happened. I was there. Never made above midtown. I did go the the Hudson Yards a lot though.  Because the Armory Show was being held there.  Armory Show booth installation That's an immigrant coal miner's name on the wall It also happened to be NY Fashion Week. That meant I all at once found myself as close as 50 feet away from Very Famous People (trade mark) I chuckled at the palpable glow of their fame and wealth. I barked a laugh as I could actually recognize one of them glittering blondely in the light rain. The distance between me there unkempt and outfitted in clothing bought at the US | Mexico border and these million dollar Very Famous People (trade mark) was purely comical. What else could I do but laugh? I am a witness to ridiculous times.  Proenza Schouler fashion show rehearsal on Little Island No context shot from Proenza Schouler fashion show rehearsal on Little Island Walking the st...

Happy Halloween, biz-nich-izzles! Photo by  Karolina Grabowska  from  Pexels It's May. It's spring!  It's time to celebrate Lemuralia! Wut?  Is that a kind of lemur party? Well, no, not quite.  Before the Catholic Christians messed around with the dates- as they always seemed to do- the month of May was the time when some ancient Europeans would turn their thoughts to lemures  or the dead- the scary, unhappy dead. And how to make sure they weren't a bother to the living.  Romans, in particular, held observance for lemures on May 9th, 11th, and 13th.  May 11th just happens to be my birthday and it's an "unlucky" day according to the Romans. Which would explain so much about me? They warn against people getting married in May, but what of those born in the month? Are we screwed? For me, yes. I've been sufficiently, quietly screwed right over in so many ways through the years. Given the list of things that are wrong with my existence, I'...

Happy March everyone? It's that time when we all reflect upon Julius Caesar's wild death, palm frond crosses, and... leprechauns.  And I guess we should all take the time to think back on a whole year  of stupidity driven global pandemic. By the way - HAVE YOU DONE THAT YET?! Personally, it's been a weird start to 2021.  I was off like a bolt and then the ground fell away. I've propelled myself forward as a ghost since maybe about the middle of January. It was around mid-January when my body started telling me there was something wrong.  But it did not tell me very clearly what was wrong.  Most of my symptoms could be written off as any other thing else.  I thought I was just extra stressed out from having to meet a deadline.   Silly me. I was extra stressed because I was sick! When I found myself suffering stomach discomforts that would not go away, I knew I had to see a gastro doc.  Fluids were sent off to be tested and- To everyone's 's...

    June 14th would have been Ko Murobushi 's birthday. June 18th will be the 5th anniversary of his death.  He was one of my butoh teachers. Last year I wrote some words for his birthday, but did not publish them at that time. I reworked them now into something better than before; maybe. The words are not adequate, but there they are. Going through my old papers, I found a loose sheet in a notebook with a poem composed by Ko-san.  It was typed in imperfect English so I gave the text some light editing in a way that made sense to me.  Does the dead mind such things?  Does the living?  I can't tell any more.  If you are wondering, the poems do not go together. They are not in dialogue with one another. They just exist in proximity to one another on this page. Like I existed in proximity to Ko-san in New York.  redrum self portrait 2020 original photo: Miro Ito s hared kyphosis i think of you from just two letters k o  smal...

Wednesday I went to Tijuana and then across into San Diego. I didn't exactly know it at the time, but it turns out that was the last time I'll be making the crossing for at least a month. The border will be closed to 'non-essential' travel by midnight Friday- today. It seemed like there were too many people outside even though it was pishing doon off and on all day. And, oh, there is supposed to be this highly contagious, potentially deadly virus going around. It was like folks were furiously trying to pretend nothing different is happening in their little end of the world. The rain has been abundant recently, so at one point the car had to turn around and get on the toll road because of flooding. The border crossing took about 40 minutes. Not a long time, but not that quick either. The wet US roadways buzzed and hissed with drivers also desperately pretending nothing is changed; the pretending was so hardcore that there was a two car smash up on the fre...

Monday we had The Rocco put to sleep. By Tuesday his grave was dug and his body interred between two bougainvillea bushes. Not far from La Cookie [ 1 ] [ 2 ].     When Rocco came to the house, he had a big bark and a mean bite. He was an unruly  street rescue. And was by no means a tea cup poodle.  I had to keep my distance from him for the longest time.   Rocco’s main purpose was to be the household guard and alarm system.  He looked the part. He sounded the part. He did his job well- most of the time.  He liked to think he was a expert by the way he would trot back inside all self-satisfied after a good barking. During the middle of the day. After he was told to stop it already and come back inside. Because the startled women with their baby strollers weren't a threat. It took him a while, but when he figured out who his pack was, he turned out to be a big softy under all that woof power. He would escape...

Before I came down with a cold for my birthday, I took a day trip- no, this was  definitely a road trip- out to Mexicali. Why? I hadn't been there! And I had a chance to go. Simple enough.  What I knew about this city was hearsay: the only thing you can do in Mexicali is be hot, drink beer to not be so hot, but end up just being drunk and hot. And eat famously good Chinese food. Stopping at a Starbucks in the city to use the toilet and the wifi,  (my dudes, that is all Starbucks actually exist for in this dimention)  I did notice a distinct spike in the number Chinese/Chinese-Mexican people in the coffee shop. There had better be amazing Chinese food around here then, right? And did I even try any comida china? HA! Of course not! Why, would I EVER do that?!  I opted for a vegan place . (It was Asian fusion food, ok?!) The atmosphere was a little weird because they were in the middle of moving locations, but the food w...

A simple bus ride north of the capital city can be a dangerous thing in Mexico. Not because of bandits, but bad drivers. On the way to our destination, we witnessed a flipped car and a person pinned beneath it- perhaps dead. How did the car flip? We could barely guess. Probable death notwithstanding, we arrived at  Teotihuacan  without problem. It is still a working archeological dig site. Real Indiana Joneses in sombreros sift dirt under tarp shades as the tourists mill around trying to avoid the aggressive trinket sellers. The whole site echos with the sounds of the flute doodlings and jaguar calls to entice people to buy. Bright red summer tanagers eyed us like little guards on duty, and seemed to give us their leave to come and go. Ants, not aliens may have build everything. A puppy certainly rules the city now. No sprained foot, no burning sunshine was going to keep me from BEING there. The light is relentless even on a hazy day and I did not complain a...

{sketch-while-wait} On Friday, while Human and I were well into our nearly 3 hour wait on the border to cross into the US, cops came around to the lot that half-way surrounds the house to collect a dead body. In case you lost count, this is dead body number 2 this year found in the lot. Human's mother was at home watching all the cops swarm in and comb the grounds. She didn't know what was going on until they asked permission to look around the 'yard' for the object that killed the man they found- a knife. Or so they said. And she watched as they wheeled the body out. The victim was a known vagrant who was often seen riding around Rosarito on a bike. I must have seen him dozens of times while walking around. They said he was stabbed to death in the lot during the dark hours- maybe 2 or 3 in the morning- If the dog trying to wake up Human's mom was an indicator of something going on outside at the particular time. None of us were disturbed by anything on that...