TMi

The new year is a Water Rabbit.  In an odd way I am kind of creatively charged up these days and looking forward to new things.  I don't know where this positive energy is coming from, but I will take it! I feel more recovered than this time last year. I think I just have a sinus infection this time. Not Covid+. That's a step up.  So, I didn't write about attending the Portrait of a Nation Gala in November 2022.  That was a thing I did amid everything else I have been dealing with and- I've been grappling with how to express myself about that event. The whole thing was unbelievably difficult to get through for me.   People kept using the word surreal. Surreal I have done. Surreal is my bread and butter. This was-  It was a full-on crisis. I could barely regulate my emotions. I felt so much. A lot of it was rage. What place does rage have at a celebration? Where could I safely put that? How I could ignore the feeling that everyone in that room- everyone...

It's the time of year to do it, but looking back is so, so difficult for me.  I don't want to reread my blog entries or my e-journal. It hurts me to see how my life has gone. My life is just going away from me...  Along with my e-journaling, I keep a physical day planner. An object in the real world I use to prove to / remind myself that I do things during the course of a day and that I am not just this lump that is taking up space- except I am this lump that is taking up space- So anyway, I have this day planner i can flip through; if I can endure it: very early in the year I was already wondering why I bothered keeping an account when every day is so much the same small potatoes as every day my eyes skitter over the dubious penmanship that improves or degrades depending on how I am doing physically and emotionally FML repeats on many pages I recorded numerous nights when I did not sleep well enough to function I listed the many days when I took antibiotics I ...

things about me, literally feathers bullet casings bones books charms rocks gems herbs oils dolls figurines keys locks twine coins am i witchy then am i queer then am i unseely then am i clemfellow then or what or what what place do i have   which one of your boxes am i put into a nd then dismissed

blurred image of author signing books. original photo by: Cat I met a famous writer once in New York. It was at a book reading. When the event was coming to a close, I was cajoled into the 'meet and greet' line. I didn't want to queue up. That wasn't how I wanted to meet this writer. Standing in line, I was not a person. In that position I was a fanatic ; with a slight pejorative feeling to the word. It's an itchy label to wear sometimes.  One more person to make the line longer, I was part of the fan gauntlet. This is not a fair kind of meeting. For either party. At the time he had a finger injury; a break, I believe. I do clearly recall that he made a point to tell everyone not to shake his hand. For the obvious splinted reason. Feeling like a complete fool jacked up on the usual influences: caffeine, cortisol mostly; I waited for my turn to meet this renowned individual. Ugh. Be still my conflicted thoughts and feelings. When my time came to stand before the man ...

flea bites and rash all over the torso The saga of tm's questionable health continues. Tests came back positive for Bartonella. Due to my wonderful  third world living circumstances, I contracted a new bacterial infection from fleas brought into the house by a kitten. The kitten was brought into the house by a certain SOME ONE. No one else has been effected by the bacteria. Just me. Just me because I was the one trying to build myself up after a year dealing with Brucella only to then be given the gift of COVID (thanks to SOME ONE) and while trying to recover from that, Bartonella took the opportunity to walk right on into my system. I fought it valiantly for two months. By April, I felt almost the way I did when I had Brucellosis. I saw a doctor. I traveled to New Jersey/NYC keeping myself going with herbs. And then the fun really began! As soon as I started taking antibiotics, the ever delightful Jarisch-Herxheimer Reaction took center stage. But no one warned me about it so I ...

Into June, into insomnia.  Along with a host of other symptoms that indicate a bacterial infection, I am doing juuust "splendidly." I have been a year and a half of my life under trash clouds threatening refuse deluges knowing- more or less- that it's because of bacterial infection. As I told one of my brothers recently in a chat, knowing is not half the battle, in this case.  This brother has also dealt with a testy bacterial infection. His version happened to be tick-borne Lyme. Coincidentally, he's anxious about recent reinfection and is waiting on test results himself.   Go Team Antibiotic!  Let's say, just staying upright and communicating coherently is more like half the battle here for me. I might seem sharp enough, but I'm struggling through like I've had half a tequila bottle. Chewing the glass and all.   So I fasted and trucked myself off to have seven vials of blood drawn- by seven dwarves and sent to seven underground labs... no wait. no. T...

Today is my 40th birthday.  I am not a very happy person.  I woke up in a modern (crap) hotel room in New Jersey instead of some ancient palazzo in Venice Italy. I was supposed to be in Venice. Venice was promised to me twice now and each time it's magically removed from the equation. This last time Hugo suddenly got a show at Mana Contemporary so all the plans changed. Once again. And there was nothing I could do about any of it. I've been away from Mexico for over a week now, but I am still in a kind of cocoon. I haven't reached out to anyone or made any big plans. Being sick strips you of your ability to make plans. The biggest thing I did was buy tickets to see a Lingua Ignota concert in Manhattan on May 8th; a birthday present- to myself. It was a risk, but it was one I was willing to make. To see the best thing that has ever come out of Del f*ing Mar perform live has been the brightest part of my trip so far.  While Hugo paints walls and advances his career,...