I don’t know what people think when I tell them I would need drugs to drive a vehicle. Perhaps they have limited definitions and think I am talking about marijuana or perhaps much harder drugs. Perhaps some understand that I mean prescription drugs. Either way no one seems to know how to react. I feel it land wrong in their ears.
I am accustomed to living in almost constant states of panic / excitability since even before before puberty. Observing the world that I was brought into, I knew instinctively that no one would or could truly care that I had some kind of difference. I’ve been managing it so long that masking is second-nature. And perhaps that is why my comment seems jarring. People essentially have no idea that I am not a confident, fully functional person. They see the glasses and think I am smart? Some know that I have been a butoh performer, an art model, and I live outside of my native country, so how could I possibly have that kind of mental disorder?! What ever they think a person who suffers from being different looks like, I am probably not their poster child.
When will I receive my Oscar for best actor?
I have driven a couple of times. Fluster’s the word, beniches! Everything to do with it is unbearable when you get as keyed-up as I do. You plunge yourself little almonds– amygdalae first into "flight fight freeze mode" and learn to parallel park!
TRY IT! NO PRESSURE!
And it’s worse– much worse when you know you cannot afford any aspects of the responsibilities crammed within three little letters. Car: a vehicle one must know how to flawlessly operate + all the small print: insurance, fuel, maintenance, fines, tolls, repair work, medical bills, more insurance, and legal fees! And the cost of mental health helps!
NO PRESSURE AT ALL!
Making stupid mistakes in a classroom setting is nothing compared to running someone over and killing them because you were in such a panic state that you just did not respond correctly to the situation.
Woopsies! Driving while “female!”
I am already painfully aware that I cannot type with much fluency. I type everyday. I know where the keys are. It doesn't matter. I will press the wrong ones. If my fingers sputter over keys constantly in effort to express my thoughts, how much more will they jitter when trying to coordinate a wheel and also be ready to manipulate any other assorted switches, toggles, nobs, and buttons, while working foot pedals in order to hurl myself within a large, costly object forward in space at velocity?! –while often surrounded by others in even more costly objects.
NO PRESSURE!
And then, hey, you know what? I just might be be that person who breaks for the shadow of a cloud passing over– because– Wow! Neat-o! Water vapor is casting quite a a shadow! Look at the high contrast! Thank you Cloud for blocking out all this stupid blinding sunlight!
And I would definitely be that person turning the wheel the wrong way when everything in my being is intending to go the other way. For no explainable reason. Just like my fingers hitting the wrong keys when I type.
And heavens forfend driving at night! Even with glasses I might as well be legally blind when it comes to night driving.
Oh-! OH! And the road rage! Just you try and come up fast and cut me off. My excitability will turn into the unadulterated violence of startled wildlife; and further impair my judgments. But you wouldn't know I'm capable of blind rage, huh? How could you when you seem to want to believe that a mild human mask I wear is the only face I have?
I observe the licensed ones drive like they are mini demiurges upon the earth- blindly sailing through intersections while jabbering on their phones. So safe and so entitled. Little aristocrats in their mobile fiefdoms. Capable of so much cruelty because they need to Be more than anyone else needs to. Gotta get ahead, right? It’s so important for that ego to drive like a slalom skier. Even a casual cruelty can be costly. Yet somehow, mi–billions(?) of the rest of you don’t seem to think about costs the way I do? You need, so you do– and damn all else always? Human arro/ignorance diminishes me with dread.
If someone could walk me through the risk assessment analysis here and help me feel like I can afford... ANYTHING then I might try getting in the diver’s seat. However, since there is no steady paycheck and there is no safety net set up, I will not be eligible for any line of credit and I will definitely not be signing any loan agreements.
So anyway... Look, clouds!
[photographic collages by: tm_m]
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